Getting to know myself at age 36

I have had an incredible opportunity these past 6 years as a stay at home mother. I have had the luxury of getting to know myself by facing the incredible challenges of raising small children.

My heart yearns, truly and deeply, to be in nature. Just to put my feet on the bare ground and to see and hear the leaves rustling in the trees above fills my soul. Sounds so simple, and it really is. I have been able to slow down my life- slow it down enough so that I can really feel what my soul needs. I used to think I needed to fill my life with activities, accomplishments, and material objects to make me happy even knowing they were just superficial. I realized those things for me, were just covering up my unhappiness because no matter how high I would go- I always would come back down only to find another way to distract me from feeling what was inside of me. New shoes usually worked the longest 😉 Only by slowing down and seeing myself and accepting myself for who I am on the most deepest and raw level have I been able to start to get to know what really fills me up and makes me happy. I look around  me and realize this is a luxury- I have a  husband who happily provides for my family while I care for the physical, mental and emotional well being of the members of my household, including myself.

I have started to take good care of myself and I can see the direct impact that has on my family. By practicing gratitude and presence I am able to be more intentional in my daily interactions with my children. Instead of reacting to my own personal triggers I am slowly able to see situations from above- meaning I am not emotionally caught up in every word or action and can see my beautiful children for who they truly are. granted I have a long way to go here too but to see the glimmer of hope that I can change has me feeling lit up from the inside. By taking care of my physical body consistently I am able to release some of the stresses of life which helps to clear my mental state. By constantly reading, learning and listening I feel I am planting the seeds for future growth and keeping my thirst for knowing strong. There are so many things that I want to know all about that I wish I had this drive when the schooling was free!

For me, being home with my children has caused me to deepen my interest in self improvement. I have always had an interest in psychology and an interest in the “whys” of who we all are so when I was faced with being the leading example of emotional and interrelational skills in my home I whole heartedly accepted the challenge. I have found that the deeper I go into seeking more awareness and freedom from the constructs of my own thinking mind the more there is to know and it excites me to no end. One thing about me is I will always, always, work towards being a better human, granted I have a long road ahead but I have also come a long way. Children learn by example and to be the primary example for my three wide-eyed wondrous children I feel incredible gratitude to be their leading lady and I am whole-heartedly dedicated to giving them the best of me.

Marriage also provides me with plenty of opportunities to grow up. Its hard work, harder than raising children in my opinion. Children are easy to love, they are innocent beautiful creatures of your own genetic material. A spouse is not. For my marriage to work, it needs a lot of work and that work can sometimes get tedious after exerting all of my energy on our children. There are days that I am over the moon in love with my husband and he is the star of my universe. Those are the days that he brings me a bunch of gorgeous wildflowers (my favorite). Other days I would probably leave him on the side of a busy highway and not turn back. Those are the days that I have to work the hardest to not fall back on old destructive patterns: Facing my deepest wounds with the person I have hurt by the power of my own pain as the witness. This feels reallllly yucky and is a source of motivation to improve and heal my mostly awesome self. Its those dark moments that provide the deepest learning. Its not easy to bare your soul to another human in hopes they do the same, but I have realized that I am in charge of when I am willing to be hurt or not. What other people do, including my husband, really has nothing to do with me and its on me to see each situation for what it is and to accept things they way they are instead of thinking they “should be” different.

With mother nature as our leader, the natural earth as our worshiping grounds, and the sun as our witness I pledge to continue to work to be better than I was 5 minutes ago. I know I will fall and I also know I have all that I need within me to pick myself up and give it another go.